Writing

The main part of this resolution, the part I've been failing at lately, is to write. I don't have time to journal every night or write stories like i used to, so this is my way of getting my thoughts down a little bit every once in a while.

I love to write. Always have, probably always will. There's something so comforting in the permanence of writing down your thoughts. They are saved forever, for all to see, even if no one really sees them. Even if it's just for you. I love being able to hear the voice behind words. Everyone has their own specific style and if you know someone, it's easy to hear their intonation and inflection behind the scratches of ink we call the written language. When I write, I read the word allowed to myself in my head to make sure it sounds right. Each position of a comma or a period, or a conjunction or adjective, is specifically placed so the reader can hear the words how they were meant to be read.

Tonight I went to a spoken word reading. One of my good friends here does it, and it's inspiring to watch him get up on stage and speak his words in front of an audience of his peers. Not to mention he is amazing with words. I can't imagine being inside his head, I bet it's beautiful. Its amazing the amount of creativity some people have. I don't think I could do it. I do want to try though.

New resolution: write a poem.

I want to be remembered. I want to be permanent. Writing can do that for me.

I fell in love in a hopeless place..

Last weekend I fell in love. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to but I did. I don't even really want to admit it because it's the stupid infatuation can't-stop-thinking-about-it kind of love you know isnt real but you long for it to be something more than it is. Or maybe that's something only I experience. I don't really know, I've never had the real thing.

Anyway, the story starts like way too many of my stories start: I was drunk and not thinking clearly. But I don't count this as a drunken mistake, because it truly was one of the better nights of this semester. At least in relation to my boy experiences. I went home with a boy i didn't know, not thinking about that implication, only focused on the fact that he told me had a puppy. I have a soft spot for puppies. As I'm sure 95% of girls do, which is I'm sure the reason they got the dog in the first place. But the softy in me fell for the puppy ploy and the romantic in me fell for the boy.

He was handsome and charming and he played the guitar for me. He sang me a song. I was hooked, charmed at the very least. He was tall and smelled delicious so I slept in his bed. But the best part was I restrained him from going to far and he probably was the most respectful of that decision of any boy I have hooked up with this far in my short life. I was very pleasantly surprised and for the few hours we were together, actually happy.

It didn't last long though, the next night I saw him for what he really was: a guy. A guy with only one thing on his mind which is the same thing as the other thousand guys at this school and million guys in the country (I can't speak against foreign boys, maybe they're more noble). So the picture of the dream boy who was kind and understanding and willing to wait for me because I was worth it was of course shattered, like it has been a hundred times before. My hope has dwindled. My heart has hardened just a little bit more. I'm not sure I can take much more hurt.

Resolution Addition: Figure out my life

I'm currently an undecided major, which is really stressing me out. I have no direction in my life. I have no passions. No special talents, besides getting good grades and talking to boys. And that can only get me so far in life. I need to figure out what really interests me. I listen to people talk about their major and their reasons behind what they want to eventually do and I can't help but envy their determination. Their desire to strive for an ultimate goal.

I, on the other hand, am drifting, unsure what to do next. My classes are pointless without declaring a major. I hate when people ask about it because I hate the look of disappointment when I tell them I have no major. I have no goal. It's like I am a failure without even trying anything.

So the goal: figure it out. Decide what I love and want to do for at least a good period of time. Or at least something that will allow me to figure it out later. It's got to happen.

Resolution #1 failing..

I need to post more if I really want to keep this up. I need to stop being lazy and selfish and start thinking about myself. That sounds contradictory, but it's true. I need to start thinking about things that can better myself, like writing and joining clubs and learning new things instead of doing what I am comfortable doing that isn't going to better myself in the long run.

Blog. More. Do. Better.

The next step

All my life, I've known what I wanted. Since I was a little girl, the goal has been to study hard, get good grades, and get into a good college. Once I realized that I was smart, or at least smart enough to do just enough work to get the grade, to study just enough to remember the information, all I wanted was to go to a good college. I wanted people to recognize my strength in school work, my ability to achieve higher than the standard. So, I wanted to get into the glory school. In my case, Chapel Hill. It was all I wanted for as long as I could understand what that meant, probably even before. I worked hard, and I fulfilled that dream. I got in.

But circumstance being as it is, I decided to choose a different glory school, one not for the name and recognition, but for what it could offer me personally. USC gave me a full ride, and I took it, making sure everyone knew what a huge honor it was. Modestly, of course.

So I got the grades and made it in the school. Now what? I'm searching for a reason, a next step. Why am I at this school? What am I doing with my life? Every action you take, ever choice you make affects your life. I sit here in my dorm room and wonder how this is affecting my life.

I have no plan. I have no dream. I have no desire of what I want after I get out of this school. I see myself, successful and in love and happy, but the picture surrounding me is blank. There's nothing. No path for me to follow. I'm searching for my way but the harder I search the harder it seems to find it. What is my calling? What am I supposed to be doing? Why is it that everyone else knows and I am left behind in the dust?

I am supposed to have all this potential. After all, I was the one who set the standards back in high school. I exceeded all the test scores. I was projected to go far. That's what all those numbers were supposed to mean, right? That i would go far. But for some reason, I'm stuck.

What's the next step????