Un-Motivation

Do I REALLY need to improve myself? To what extent do I need to keep going to the gym and trying to make myself into a better person?  When do I actually become the person I want to be?  Is it enough to accept yourself the way you are, instead of constantly trying to improve? Aren't I good enough the way I am? Are all these questions just an excuse to not go to the gym and avoid actually working hard?

This is something I struggle with.  I'm all about being true to who you are and accepting your body and your personality for how it is.  But at the same time, you should be aware of points when you need to improve yourself.  If you are out of shape, work out.  If you are lazy, get off the couch.  If you are having relationship issues, work them out.  So what is the point where you realize that you need to improve, rather than accept yourself the way you are?

I get on the scale and I think, I can live with that.  I am still in the healthy range, still above-average.  But I'm definitely not where I aspire to be.  But that acceptance allows me to make excuses for myself, and thus not try to make myself better.  By accepting myself the way I am, I stop working to make myself better.

So, today I reject this version of myself.  No, I accept it, but I desire to be better.  So I'm going to go to the gym.  Good.  Re-motivation.  I'm glad I could work through that.

Starting Over

This morning I woke up running from my dreams.  Nightmares, more like.  When I have a nightmare, sometimes the easiest thing is to do jump from my bed and leave my room far behind me.  When nothing is going my way, it is easiest to run in the opposite direction.  Start over.  That is my default attitude toward any failure. Start over.  But sometimes, you can't start over.  You have to pick yourself up and fix what you have broken, try and try again to make it work.  I can't keep running from bad reputations or missed opportunities.  I can't keep starting from scratch.  Starting from scratch it easy, with a clean slate you can do anything.  But I can't use that as a crutch.  I have to learn how to clean off my own slate with my own sweat and tears, not rely on others to let me start over.

This morning I woke up running from my own dreams.  It's hard to see yourself for who you really are and decide that it is you that needs to change, not the world around you.  Your dreams should compel you to move forward, drive you to do better.  But sometimes your dreams hold you back, in fear of what you can accomplish, in fear of what you can lose.  I don't want to be afraid anymore.  I want to do better, be better.

Tomorrow morning I want to wake up walking with my head held high, toward the day to come.

Adventure

Do things I've never done before. Be brave. Be bold. Step outside my comfort zone. Try new things. I want to have adventure in my life, because that is what keeps life interesting.

Grades are important, class is obviously something that I must do, but having stories and living the life I want is much more fulfilling. There are some things that are higher up on my list of priorities than getting a good gpa.

Like, for instance, sneaking into the football stadium without getting caught. Impossible, you say? Not for fearless and adventurous me. The other night, me and a few friends successfully snuck into the football stadium here at school. Not just the stands either, the field itself. We got to run the whole 100 yards, feel the wind in our faces, and imagine what it would be like to have thousands of fans screaming us on as we ran. It was probably one of the coolest experiences I have had at school yet, maybe even in my whole lifetime. I wasn't drunk, I was just doing what felt right at the time. It was risky and it might have been stupid, but you only live once, right?

We have all these constraints on our lives. School, work, homework, there is always something we should be doing with our time. But what about what we want to do? Isn't that important? Shouldn't it be even more important? Yes, you should prioritize that which can be a means to an end goal, but you also have to live in the moment. Do the things you want to do because in the end, that will be what you remember.

I will never forget what it felt like to run down that field. Pure freedom and bliss. It was amazing. That is a story I will tell for the rest of my life.

Being Sick Sucks

Why on earth do we need to have disease and illness and colds and flus?!? I don't understand the point. All they do is slow you down and make you hate your life. And then you spread the misery without meaning to or knowing you're doing it to the next helpless person so they end up feeling just as shitty as you do. Is this some sort of twisted part of the natural selection process??

I just want to be better so I can go back to my life of productivity and happiness.

And maybe write a semi worthwhile blog post for once. But for now, this is all I got for you.

Resolutions Update

Also, I worked out today for the first time in a while! It's Tuesday, so I've still go time to make my 5 days a week goal. It's possible. I'm proud of myself. I need to remember what this feeling of accomplishment is every time I tell myself I don't have time to go to the gym. You can always make time for something you really want to do.

Baby steps, one day at a time. Soon I'll be a work out fiend and wondering how I ever hated going to the gym. One day.

What do you want to do before you die?

Last night I went to a performance at school where the guys from The Buried Life show came and spoke to us. The show is about four normal guys who decide to make a list of things they want to do before they die, and then actually do them all. Along the way, they help other people cross off things on their own lists of dreams. It was truly inspiring. These guys had no money, no resources, just pure desire and determination to succeed. And they actually did it. It started off as one small idea and it turned into a huge multi-national television show that exceeded all expectations.

It makes me think, what can I do that will exceed expectations. They ask what your dreams are, no matter how far off or impossible they might seem. Write those dreams down, and then go after them. Don't let those dreams stay just ideas in your head, something you think about when you're fed up with your normal day to day life. Let those dreams drive your day to day life. Do what inspires you.

So what is it that inspires me? What is my big dream that will make the impossible possible? Is it possible that my big dream is to figure out what my big dream is? I guess that is a start at least. So first on the list of things I want to do before I die, is to make a list. I wonder if that's cheating the system somehow. Oh well, it's my life right?

Re-Vamped

So, I've been failing at the whole working out thing.  It's spring break and I'm currently laying in my bed, with absolutely zero desire to go to the gym.  Whats the point? I have no one to impress. I have no one who I care enough about to want to look nice for them.  Is it enough to just want to better myself for the sake of better myself?  It should be.  But I'm not sure it is.

Maybe that should be part of this.  Part of this resolution is finding my own love for myself without any strings attached.  Not caring what other people think.  Not caring if other people care at all.  It's about loving myself because I am the person I want to be.  Because right now I don't think I am the person I want to be, not exactly.

That's the whole point of a resolution, right?  I've lost sight of that.  So, here I am, re-vamping this great experiment.  Because I can.

Change starts today.  Change starts with me.

Resolution Addition: Find God

I have always grown up in a Christian home.  My parents were the kind that forced my brother and I to go to church on Sunday, sometimes literally dragging us out of bed.  And I was the girl that dreaded waking up, putting on nice clothes and sitting at attention on the hard church pew for an hour every Sunday.  I always envied my friends whose parents did put their children through that type of torture.  God has always been a part of me, something I just accepted as reality.  I grew up singing "Jesus Loves Me" and hearing the same stories told over and over again in church.

Now I'm older, although probably not much wiser, I have a different outlook on life.  I can't just accept everything I am told as truth, even God.  I don't believe that God wanted us to just accept Him without question, either.  I believe He wants us to find Him in our own way, and when that time comes, He will accept us without question.  Now, more than ever, I pray.  When times are hard, it's easier to talk things through, and for me, God is always there to listen.  I find myself talking to no one as I fall asleep at night, and yet, it feels like someone is listening.  It feels like someone understands my pain and is truly concerned for my wellbeing.  That is a great feeling.  I am finding God in my own way and plan to continue on this path.

P.S. I feel like I'm adding resolutions to the list a lot more than I am crossing them off, maybe because its still the first half of the year? Let's hope..