The End of The Beginning

Freshman year is over.  I am almost 19 years old, with only 3 years left of college.  Then I’ll be moving on to bigger and better things and starting my life on my own.  I remember the first day of 1^st grade like it was yesterday.  I was the first person to line up to go inside the school so my new teacher dubbed me the line leader for the year and I got to hold the 1^st Grade sign so everyone lined up behind me.  I felt so special, so mature.  Now, almost 15 years have passed since that day. 

I feel like my life is passing before my eyes, before I have a chance to catch it.  Maybe I’ve been spending so much of my time thinking about the future that when it actually comes, I barely have time to enjoy it.  Everything we do is supposedly in preparation for the future.  We study and get good grades in high school so that we get into the college we want, then we have to do well and be involved in college so that we get the jobs that we want, and then we have to find a husband or a wife that will take care of us in the future, and make enough money so we are stable in the future.  Why can’t we just enjoy the present?  Everything we’ve ever done has been leading up to this moment that we are in now, so why are we always thinking about the next one? 

The future scares me.  I barely have a grip on the present, how am I going to take care of my future?  I’m terrible with commitment, I’m terribly impulsive and never think things all the way through before making a decision.  Maybe that’s because I’m better at handling the consequences than the regret of making the wrong choice.  I like to make mistakes.  I’m good at making mistakes.  I’m used to making mistakes.  I believe that making mistakes is the only way to better yourself.  Because if you never do anything wrong, how do you know that you’re getting it right? 

I want to live a full life.  I read books about fabulously fascinating people who have done all thing crazy cool things with their lives and have gone on so many adventures.  People who have learned from their mistakes and have lived to tell the tale.  That’s the kind of person I want to be.  I love being spontaneous.  But sometimes I feel like I do things in my life just to say that I did them, just to have those stories in the future.  We live in a terribly fake age, where everything must be recorded and put on Facebook for the world to see or else it isn’t real.  We live in a world where nothing matters until other people see pictures or read about it online.  Our lives are so intertwined with the rest of the world it’s hard to sort out what is truly ours. Not even our own memories are truly our own.  We share those with everyone else too.

I know I’m just rambling now; there is no real point to any of this.  I just like to get my thoughts out.  I wonder if I’m the only person who thinks about these types of things, like life and the future and what we are doing in the world.  It’s incredibly hard to grasp.  I’m just trying to figure myself out.  I do a lot of really stupid things, but somehow I always seem to make it out okay.  I just hope that my luck won’t run out any time soon.

Un-Motivation

Do I REALLY need to improve myself? To what extent do I need to keep going to the gym and trying to make myself into a better person?  When do I actually become the person I want to be?  Is it enough to accept yourself the way you are, instead of constantly trying to improve? Aren't I good enough the way I am? Are all these questions just an excuse to not go to the gym and avoid actually working hard?

This is something I struggle with.  I'm all about being true to who you are and accepting your body and your personality for how it is.  But at the same time, you should be aware of points when you need to improve yourself.  If you are out of shape, work out.  If you are lazy, get off the couch.  If you are having relationship issues, work them out.  So what is the point where you realize that you need to improve, rather than accept yourself the way you are?

I get on the scale and I think, I can live with that.  I am still in the healthy range, still above-average.  But I'm definitely not where I aspire to be.  But that acceptance allows me to make excuses for myself, and thus not try to make myself better.  By accepting myself the way I am, I stop working to make myself better.

So, today I reject this version of myself.  No, I accept it, but I desire to be better.  So I'm going to go to the gym.  Good.  Re-motivation.  I'm glad I could work through that.

Starting Over

This morning I woke up running from my dreams.  Nightmares, more like.  When I have a nightmare, sometimes the easiest thing is to do jump from my bed and leave my room far behind me.  When nothing is going my way, it is easiest to run in the opposite direction.  Start over.  That is my default attitude toward any failure. Start over.  But sometimes, you can't start over.  You have to pick yourself up and fix what you have broken, try and try again to make it work.  I can't keep running from bad reputations or missed opportunities.  I can't keep starting from scratch.  Starting from scratch it easy, with a clean slate you can do anything.  But I can't use that as a crutch.  I have to learn how to clean off my own slate with my own sweat and tears, not rely on others to let me start over.

This morning I woke up running from my own dreams.  It's hard to see yourself for who you really are and decide that it is you that needs to change, not the world around you.  Your dreams should compel you to move forward, drive you to do better.  But sometimes your dreams hold you back, in fear of what you can accomplish, in fear of what you can lose.  I don't want to be afraid anymore.  I want to do better, be better.

Tomorrow morning I want to wake up walking with my head held high, toward the day to come.

Adventure

Do things I've never done before. Be brave. Be bold. Step outside my comfort zone. Try new things. I want to have adventure in my life, because that is what keeps life interesting.

Grades are important, class is obviously something that I must do, but having stories and living the life I want is much more fulfilling. There are some things that are higher up on my list of priorities than getting a good gpa.

Like, for instance, sneaking into the football stadium without getting caught. Impossible, you say? Not for fearless and adventurous me. The other night, me and a few friends successfully snuck into the football stadium here at school. Not just the stands either, the field itself. We got to run the whole 100 yards, feel the wind in our faces, and imagine what it would be like to have thousands of fans screaming us on as we ran. It was probably one of the coolest experiences I have had at school yet, maybe even in my whole lifetime. I wasn't drunk, I was just doing what felt right at the time. It was risky and it might have been stupid, but you only live once, right?

We have all these constraints on our lives. School, work, homework, there is always something we should be doing with our time. But what about what we want to do? Isn't that important? Shouldn't it be even more important? Yes, you should prioritize that which can be a means to an end goal, but you also have to live in the moment. Do the things you want to do because in the end, that will be what you remember.

I will never forget what it felt like to run down that field. Pure freedom and bliss. It was amazing. That is a story I will tell for the rest of my life.

Being Sick Sucks

Why on earth do we need to have disease and illness and colds and flus?!? I don't understand the point. All they do is slow you down and make you hate your life. And then you spread the misery without meaning to or knowing you're doing it to the next helpless person so they end up feeling just as shitty as you do. Is this some sort of twisted part of the natural selection process??

I just want to be better so I can go back to my life of productivity and happiness.

And maybe write a semi worthwhile blog post for once. But for now, this is all I got for you.

Resolutions Update

Also, I worked out today for the first time in a while! It's Tuesday, so I've still go time to make my 5 days a week goal. It's possible. I'm proud of myself. I need to remember what this feeling of accomplishment is every time I tell myself I don't have time to go to the gym. You can always make time for something you really want to do.

Baby steps, one day at a time. Soon I'll be a work out fiend and wondering how I ever hated going to the gym. One day.

What do you want to do before you die?

Last night I went to a performance at school where the guys from The Buried Life show came and spoke to us. The show is about four normal guys who decide to make a list of things they want to do before they die, and then actually do them all. Along the way, they help other people cross off things on their own lists of dreams. It was truly inspiring. These guys had no money, no resources, just pure desire and determination to succeed. And they actually did it. It started off as one small idea and it turned into a huge multi-national television show that exceeded all expectations.

It makes me think, what can I do that will exceed expectations. They ask what your dreams are, no matter how far off or impossible they might seem. Write those dreams down, and then go after them. Don't let those dreams stay just ideas in your head, something you think about when you're fed up with your normal day to day life. Let those dreams drive your day to day life. Do what inspires you.

So what is it that inspires me? What is my big dream that will make the impossible possible? Is it possible that my big dream is to figure out what my big dream is? I guess that is a start at least. So first on the list of things I want to do before I die, is to make a list. I wonder if that's cheating the system somehow. Oh well, it's my life right?

Re-Vamped

So, I've been failing at the whole working out thing.  It's spring break and I'm currently laying in my bed, with absolutely zero desire to go to the gym.  Whats the point? I have no one to impress. I have no one who I care enough about to want to look nice for them.  Is it enough to just want to better myself for the sake of better myself?  It should be.  But I'm not sure it is.

Maybe that should be part of this.  Part of this resolution is finding my own love for myself without any strings attached.  Not caring what other people think.  Not caring if other people care at all.  It's about loving myself because I am the person I want to be.  Because right now I don't think I am the person I want to be, not exactly.

That's the whole point of a resolution, right?  I've lost sight of that.  So, here I am, re-vamping this great experiment.  Because I can.

Change starts today.  Change starts with me.

Resolution Addition: Find God

I have always grown up in a Christian home.  My parents were the kind that forced my brother and I to go to church on Sunday, sometimes literally dragging us out of bed.  And I was the girl that dreaded waking up, putting on nice clothes and sitting at attention on the hard church pew for an hour every Sunday.  I always envied my friends whose parents did put their children through that type of torture.  God has always been a part of me, something I just accepted as reality.  I grew up singing "Jesus Loves Me" and hearing the same stories told over and over again in church.

Now I'm older, although probably not much wiser, I have a different outlook on life.  I can't just accept everything I am told as truth, even God.  I don't believe that God wanted us to just accept Him without question, either.  I believe He wants us to find Him in our own way, and when that time comes, He will accept us without question.  Now, more than ever, I pray.  When times are hard, it's easier to talk things through, and for me, God is always there to listen.  I find myself talking to no one as I fall asleep at night, and yet, it feels like someone is listening.  It feels like someone understands my pain and is truly concerned for my wellbeing.  That is a great feeling.  I am finding God in my own way and plan to continue on this path.

P.S. I feel like I'm adding resolutions to the list a lot more than I am crossing them off, maybe because its still the first half of the year? Let's hope..

Writing

The main part of this resolution, the part I've been failing at lately, is to write. I don't have time to journal every night or write stories like i used to, so this is my way of getting my thoughts down a little bit every once in a while.

I love to write. Always have, probably always will. There's something so comforting in the permanence of writing down your thoughts. They are saved forever, for all to see, even if no one really sees them. Even if it's just for you. I love being able to hear the voice behind words. Everyone has their own specific style and if you know someone, it's easy to hear their intonation and inflection behind the scratches of ink we call the written language. When I write, I read the word allowed to myself in my head to make sure it sounds right. Each position of a comma or a period, or a conjunction or adjective, is specifically placed so the reader can hear the words how they were meant to be read.

Tonight I went to a spoken word reading. One of my good friends here does it, and it's inspiring to watch him get up on stage and speak his words in front of an audience of his peers. Not to mention he is amazing with words. I can't imagine being inside his head, I bet it's beautiful. Its amazing the amount of creativity some people have. I don't think I could do it. I do want to try though.

New resolution: write a poem.

I want to be remembered. I want to be permanent. Writing can do that for me.

I fell in love in a hopeless place..

Last weekend I fell in love. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to but I did. I don't even really want to admit it because it's the stupid infatuation can't-stop-thinking-about-it kind of love you know isnt real but you long for it to be something more than it is. Or maybe that's something only I experience. I don't really know, I've never had the real thing.

Anyway, the story starts like way too many of my stories start: I was drunk and not thinking clearly. But I don't count this as a drunken mistake, because it truly was one of the better nights of this semester. At least in relation to my boy experiences. I went home with a boy i didn't know, not thinking about that implication, only focused on the fact that he told me had a puppy. I have a soft spot for puppies. As I'm sure 95% of girls do, which is I'm sure the reason they got the dog in the first place. But the softy in me fell for the puppy ploy and the romantic in me fell for the boy.

He was handsome and charming and he played the guitar for me. He sang me a song. I was hooked, charmed at the very least. He was tall and smelled delicious so I slept in his bed. But the best part was I restrained him from going to far and he probably was the most respectful of that decision of any boy I have hooked up with this far in my short life. I was very pleasantly surprised and for the few hours we were together, actually happy.

It didn't last long though, the next night I saw him for what he really was: a guy. A guy with only one thing on his mind which is the same thing as the other thousand guys at this school and million guys in the country (I can't speak against foreign boys, maybe they're more noble). So the picture of the dream boy who was kind and understanding and willing to wait for me because I was worth it was of course shattered, like it has been a hundred times before. My hope has dwindled. My heart has hardened just a little bit more. I'm not sure I can take much more hurt.

Resolution Addition: Figure out my life

I'm currently an undecided major, which is really stressing me out. I have no direction in my life. I have no passions. No special talents, besides getting good grades and talking to boys. And that can only get me so far in life. I need to figure out what really interests me. I listen to people talk about their major and their reasons behind what they want to eventually do and I can't help but envy their determination. Their desire to strive for an ultimate goal.

I, on the other hand, am drifting, unsure what to do next. My classes are pointless without declaring a major. I hate when people ask about it because I hate the look of disappointment when I tell them I have no major. I have no goal. It's like I am a failure without even trying anything.

So the goal: figure it out. Decide what I love and want to do for at least a good period of time. Or at least something that will allow me to figure it out later. It's got to happen.

Resolution #1 failing..

I need to post more if I really want to keep this up. I need to stop being lazy and selfish and start thinking about myself. That sounds contradictory, but it's true. I need to start thinking about things that can better myself, like writing and joining clubs and learning new things instead of doing what I am comfortable doing that isn't going to better myself in the long run.

Blog. More. Do. Better.

The next step

All my life, I've known what I wanted. Since I was a little girl, the goal has been to study hard, get good grades, and get into a good college. Once I realized that I was smart, or at least smart enough to do just enough work to get the grade, to study just enough to remember the information, all I wanted was to go to a good college. I wanted people to recognize my strength in school work, my ability to achieve higher than the standard. So, I wanted to get into the glory school. In my case, Chapel Hill. It was all I wanted for as long as I could understand what that meant, probably even before. I worked hard, and I fulfilled that dream. I got in.

But circumstance being as it is, I decided to choose a different glory school, one not for the name and recognition, but for what it could offer me personally. USC gave me a full ride, and I took it, making sure everyone knew what a huge honor it was. Modestly, of course.

So I got the grades and made it in the school. Now what? I'm searching for a reason, a next step. Why am I at this school? What am I doing with my life? Every action you take, ever choice you make affects your life. I sit here in my dorm room and wonder how this is affecting my life.

I have no plan. I have no dream. I have no desire of what I want after I get out of this school. I see myself, successful and in love and happy, but the picture surrounding me is blank. There's nothing. No path for me to follow. I'm searching for my way but the harder I search the harder it seems to find it. What is my calling? What am I supposed to be doing? Why is it that everyone else knows and I am left behind in the dust?

I am supposed to have all this potential. After all, I was the one who set the standards back in high school. I exceeded all the test scores. I was projected to go far. That's what all those numbers were supposed to mean, right? That i would go far. But for some reason, I'm stuck.

What's the next step????

My. Body. Hurts.

So keeping up with my new resolutions, I have been going to the gym a lot more than last semester. At least so far. I had a little bit of a relapse this past weekend (aka I sat in bed most of the day and watches tv to avoid the hardship of walking to the gym) but this week is a new beginning. I've gone everyday so far, it's only tuesday but I am still allowed to be proud of myself. And I'm sore! Which is good! Except I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings and even harder to get up from my chair after classes which really isn't helping my image. However, I keep thinking about the ultimate goal and the happiness of success and that keeps me going. I can get through a few more days of being sore to be hot when it comes time to take my clothes off in the summer.

..With a bikini underneath of course.

Resolution #10 accomplishment!

Tonight I went to the Republican Presidential Candidate Debate in Charleston! Something totally different and out of my comfort zone, and it was a complete success.

Emily and I decided that it was a Rare opportunity to be so close to an important debate and to have the opportunity to go. So we went. It cost 45 dollars and my mom payed for it, thank goodness, and it turned out to be well worth the investment. The energy in the arena was electrifying, wish everyone cheering or booing for their favorite candidate. I couldn't help but get into it, finding myself not only cheering but also understanding what the candidates were talking about. The issues of abortion, illegal immigration, the economy, states rights, and job creation were suddenly riveting, suddenly so relevant to my life. I don't stop to think about those things enough on a regular basis. How the whole world is connected and how though I may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, I can really make a difference. And who we elect into office truly has an effect on my own life.

This experience really did help me appreciate our country and our political system. It opened my mind to the wonders of politics. It made me feel a part of something bigger than myself, something I never really thought I could be a part of. Just listening to the candidate speak, it was enchanting. How they form their sentences and carefully form thief body language to convey a message, to get the audience to believe them, even if everything they are saying is a complete lie. You can't look away. I thought I would be bored but the two hours passed by in an instant and all of a sudden all the businessmen and country club wives were headed for the parking lot, back to their regular lives. But I'm going to do something different with mine, I'm going to take all this newfound knowledge to good use. Become more educated and more connected with the world outside of myself and my own desires.

Another check off the list, but more is yet to come.

Ps. Go Ron Paul!

Resolution #8 Update

So I didn't hook up with anyone last night, at least not that I know of or really care about. However, I did go back to the scene of the last time I broke this resolution. Bad idea. I was much too drunk and although I controlled myself enough to not do anything I would regret, I brought up some feelings I would rather not feel. I don't want to feel anything for him. I don't want to care if he's with other girls. I want to be happy and free and not worrying about some guy. But all of a sudden I care. And I don't know why. And all of a sudden it seems like he doesn't care at all anymore. And it's killing me.

Sisters

I got initiated into my sorority today!! I believe this falls into the resolution category of make lasting relationships, so I thought I would write about it.

Friends come and go, but sisters are forever.  This is true of the sisters one grows up with or the ones that were born of the same parents, because those sisters you really can never get away from.  You will always share a bond with your blood siblings whether you want to or not.  So are sorority sisters different? Of course, you do not share the bond of being born of the same womb, but you do share some sort of mystical bond that can never really be broken.  As long as you are a part of the sorority, in a way, you can never really get away from your sisters there either.  You're stuck with them for life.  Even more than that, you chose to be stuck with these girls for the rest of your life.  Instead of being forced to share a room with your sister or wear her hand-me-down clothing, you are choosing to be a part of the lives of the 200 girls in your  chapter and in some way a part of the lives of the thousands of sisters across the country.  It's a huge deal.

However, not all of the relationships you make with your new sisters will come easily.  You share a bond, yes, but you still have to make an effort to become close to the girls you now call sisters.  Much like a blood sister, every relationship takes time and hard work.  Friendships are hard.  Keeping up with old ones and creating new ones and figuring out which ones are worth keeping.  It can be very tiring.  But its always worth it.  If you get hurt or sad or just need someone to sit with, in a sorority, you have 300 girls who would do that for you.  Now that might be an exaggeration, I certainly would not feel comfortable going up to any of the 300 girls and asking them to chill with me.  I would, however, feel more than comfortable with the girls I know because I know they truly care about me.

It's the strangest thing, having sisters now.  I grew up with one brother, who has never really misled or disappointed me.  He has always been my rock.  Now I have all these girls who can one day be my very best friends in the world.  It is a little scary thinking about it.  Exciting, but scary.  This is a huge opportunity, and I want nothing more than to take full advantage of it.  No one can replace my brother, but I have always wanted a sister.  Now I have 300.

I think that counts as a successful day for my resolutions.

Resolution Addition

Resolution #10: Do more things I haven't done before

I want to be spontaneous. I want to take advantage of what this world, and more specifically, what my college has to offer me. We only live once right? Do the things you've always wanted to do while you can. Because all we have is now.

Motivation

When embarking on a project to change yourself, you can expect some resistance. From your body, from your mind, and perhaps even from your peers. You can also expect to have days where you want to give up, to give in the to pressure caused by that resistance, and slip into the old habits you were trying to change. This indies a need for motivation.

Motivation can come in many forms. For me, my motivation for working hard is the end result. The glory and respect I might get from my peers if I achieve the body and the grades and the relationships I desire. It sounds awful, but a part of me wants to be admired. I think this must be true for everyone, at least I hope so or I probably sound like a complete tool right now. Psychologically, all people want to be loved. The motivation behind most everything we do can be boiled down to our natural desire to be loved by others. We long for companionship and acceptance by the community. In my mind, the goals that I have for this year and every year to come will help me reach my ultimate goal of acceptance.

But I suppose I should be more specific. I want my parents to be proud of my grades. I want my friends to be jealous of my body. I want the boy I like to notice me. But I suppose what I even more important than all of that, I want to be proud of myself. I want to actually feel like I've accomplished something this year. And this blog is one way of keeping track of that. So that at the end of the year, or even the month or year, I can look at myself and be proud. That is my motivation.

Do something good for yourself

Today was a very productive day. The gym makes me feel better about myself. It is so hard tho. Despite knowing you are doing something good for yourself that will improve your overall quality of life, sometimes the pain it takes to get there is a lot to bear. Maybe that's dramatic. Probably is, working out isn't that bad.

It just sucks.

However, I can't give up. Day two of my new year experiment and I am doing great so far. Tomorrow the plan is to do a full body strength work put in the dorm before class, I think it will work out well. Ellen is on at ten, she'll give me the motivation I need.

On another note, my best friend is going through a really rough time at her school right now. She isn't happy there and I feel awful. I know how she feels, I haven't had the easiest time ever adjusting here. And then it seems like everyone else in the world is loving their college experience, everyone else has the movie picture perfect lives. Especially according to their facebooks, which probably was the worst invention ever when it comes to the whole "grass is greener on the other side" fallacy. But I don't know how to help her see that everyone has a rough time and everyone needs time to adjust. Not everything is going to work out perfectly the way you want them, but you can always make the best of what you have. On the other hand, if you really don't like something, it is up to you to change it. So it's her decision. And I'll support her whatever she ends up doing, I just wish I could be there to help her out. In the end though, she has got to do what is good for herself.

Resolution #8: BROKEN

This year, I wanted to break my awful habit of hooking up with boys I don't have feelings for, or don't know at all. I have been on a streak since senior year of high school where making out with pretty much any boy is acceptable, especially when I'm drunk. Drunk Me loves the make out. I realized I do this yes for the enjoyment of hooking up with someone, but also to protect myself. To protect my heart. If I hook with guys that don't matter to me I don't have to care. I can lie to myself that I don't care. If I put myself out there and attempt to commit to one person, I am opening myself up to getting hurt. That scares the hell out of me. But I've learned that getting hurt is part of life. Pretending that I'm protecting myself by giving myself to guys that don't care about me only hurts myself more. So, the resolution: no more hooking up with guys that don't care about me or can see myself having a future with. Yeah, I know, it's a long one. But it needed clarification. Anyway, already, on day eight of this great new year, I broke one of my promises to myself. I hooked up with a boy that, although he does in fact care very much about me, I can't see myself with in the future. He is my best friend and I think I may have ruined everything we had. I don't know what to do. So, yesterday was a failure on the resolution front. But tomorrow is another day.

My Resolutions

2012. A whole new year, full of promise and hope for better days. No matter what happened in 2011, death, destruction, divorce, break ups, failures, it all seems to be erased as we go into the new year.  Armed with our lists of resolutions and shiny new gym memberships, we boldly crossed the 2011 finish line ready to create our new and improved selves.

This is my resolution.  I created a list for myself, just like the millions of other new year hopefuls, and decided that writing about my progress everyday in this blog would be a great way to keep myself in check.  Plus, writing a blog is on my list, so check off number off.  As long as I keep up.

Resolutions:
1. Write a blog
2. Work out
3. Eat healthy
4. Control spending
5. Meet new people and form lasting relationships
6. Read more
7. Keep my grades up
8. Don't hook up with anyone I'm not dating
9. Keep my grades up

If I'm forgetting anything, I'll update the list as I go.  So here goes nothing, wish me luck.